My Choice - Loving the One I have no choice but to succeed in Him because that choice is all I have left. Connecting all of the people I know and watching how lives are transformed is what drives me to succeed. My Life – A blessing in Disguise Throughout my life I often pondered if God actually existed. I had little evidence to prove God cared about me and less evidence to justify all of the pain I endured throughout life. Why was life so painful? I always felt God tugging heavily on my heart, but the logistics, rules, regulations and judgment always threw me off a bit. How was it possible multiple men could write the Bible and claim it is 100 percent accurate? In my experience, men are far from perfect and their version of how something happened was usually opposite from how I saw it.

Regardless of my endless questions it seemed like a no brainer to at least check this God business out.

 Option 1: The Bible is correct and you do have to accept Jesus Christ as your savor to avoid hell for eternity.

 Option 2: Decline God’s offer and spend eternity in hell.

 I’m not sure about you but most days feel like they last for an eternity so throwing the word “hell” in there, scares me.

My Twister

 My life resembles a tornado and always has. The storms calm and then all of a sudden, my home, job, and life, get uprooted and ripped apart. For example, I can get in the car, drive one block and have 10 random acts of chaos happen within 10 minutes. I’m usually late or I might possibly miss the entire event due to a twister. The reasons are so unexplainable and unbelievable, I just stop making plans and find it easier to disappear.

When you spend your life spinning your wheels and end up without a bike to ride, you wonder what’s wrong with this picture? Although, I often tried to ignore Him and continue my busy lifestyle, God is extremely persistent and needs my undivided attention.

 My transformation did not occur due to one or two random acts. There was no death or car accident that stopped me in my tracks. My life has been full of back-to-back episodes that have devastated me multiple times. I’m left with amazingly crazy stories. I now believe, God chose me to experience chaos so I could identify with others and their heartbreak.

 I was about to make a choice that changed the course of my life forever.

 I had hit a point in my life where I decided it was all or nothing. My heart was breaking and I could not escape the feeling. I made a difficult choice to walk away from my friends and family, and end life-long relationships so I could find myself. I was broken and needed to be set free. There is a price for freedom. Once you truly commit yourself to God and solely seek him, you are making the choice to deny worldly pleasures. This is an extremely difficult task considering lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride are bombarding us every second of the day. It’s extremely difficult to ignore our natural instinct to be satisfied and feel relief.

I believe, we are meant to feel pain and overcome obstacles and that’s the point. Life is a test of experiencing moments of pure happiness bombarded with temptation.

 Reality of my life

 When I'm sitting alone in total silence, and the reality of my life is revealed before me, a single tear drops to the floor. I often ponder the daily risks I've taken through the rebellion and passion I used to claim this freedom. I reluctantly chose to walk away and close doors from friends, family and the parents that brought me into this world. I walked away from the only life I knew. The decisions I made and the loves I’ve lost will forever remain in the depths of my heart.

 Have you ever wondered how much the heart can actually take before it breaks? It is said God will not allow more than you can handle. I’m not sure about that statement and who said this anyway?

 My road to Freedom

 We all make choices in our lives that affect the type of road we travel down. I personally chose the road to freedom, and that choice came at a great cost. I sacrificed the only life I knew to seek a personal relationship with God and no one can take that away from me.

 Living a life full of disappointment

 Up until three years ago my biggest fear was disappointing my family, especially my father.  I idolized him. Considering my life resembled a tornado, I constantly disappointed him. I was suffocating and screaming for change.

 When I look back on the course of my life, I can clearly see God’s plan. He began the process of closing doors before I made the clear decision to help. His plan was painful and systematically perfect.

 Timeline:

In 2003 I became a mother and fell in love with my daughter. My second daughter was born 2 years later and these precious girls captured my heart forever.

For example, I rarely had family babysit and strangers or friends were out of the question. No one was qualified to watch over these girls, I always feared something was after them and my nightmares kept me by their side. Paranoid, I guess.

 After a couple years I started to feel empty, I was missing something. I soon found my passion for the art of film. I started taking a few acting classes and disappeared into a world full of creating something from nothing. My goal was to write and film movies that captured the hearts and minds of audience’s around the world. I had found it! I found the missing link. I was passionate about life and in love again.

Unfortunately, I expected more support and enthusiasm from my family. They constantly encouraged me to get a normal job and live a scheduled lifestyle because I was a mother. I didn’t get it. Everybody I knew that had a normal job hated it. Why would I want that?

 I was in love with two totally different worlds. I was determined and just knew I could accomplish motherhood and have time for film. Well, pursuing my dreams and raising two little girls was not in my cards, or so I was constantly told. You can’t have it all. Apparently, after you become a mother your passion dies with the birth of your children. Sounds a little dramatic, but my career choice was nothing more than me acting irresponsibly and lacking good judgment. I was again, a disappointment.

 I rebelled and went for it anyway. I was already a huge disappointment, so how bad could things get? I picked the girls up and moved to Los Angeles, CA. Unfortunately, I quickly learned, Hollywood isn’t full of passionate pure hearted individuals compelled to film beautiful movies. The majority of the film industry’s corrupt and painful. The world is. My father recently told me that after I lived in Los Angeles, I have never been the same. Well, living in Los Angeles, with my daughters, loosing my family’s faith in my character, attempting to do it all and getting a crash course in how people really work, it’s true, I will never be the same. It’s a difficult task to turn dreams into reality when people get in the way and disappointment suffocates you.

1^st lesson

 There’s something to say about living a “normal lifestyle.” Going to work the same time everyday-I envy that to a degree now. The love I have for the game keeps me awake at night suffering from anxiety. For example, the guys in the stunt world risk breaking every bone in their body for that brief moment in time, that surge of adrenalin. They risk enormous amounts of pain for the rush. Well, I’m in love with that game-I’m in love with the rush. Dangerous, irresponsible and a mother? Well, my life’s no longer my own. I spent a great deal of time building something that amounted to nothing in comparison to spending the majority of my moments with my girls.

2^nd lesson

 I should have communicated better with my loved ones. I focused solely on my goal, building a life in the film world with my girls and assumed my family and friends knew my heart and knew what I was doing. I didn’t have the time or energy to talk. I was busy trying to survive in a heartless world.

3^rd lesson

 I knew great love and great achievements involved great risks. I did not realize the impact my decisions would play on the many hearts involved along the way.

 Surrendering

 My dreams were destroying my family’s life. I decided living a life in Los Angeles and pursuing work in the film industry was not the healthy choice for my family. My girls needed to be back home, close to their dad and family and I needed everyone to just stop talking about me and leave me alone. I felt like a failure and no one understood the impact their negativity had on me.

 My silent prayer

 I prayed, if my dreams were meant to be, they’d have to happen back home. I walked away from my passion and the level of success I had achieved because ultimately, the most important things were my daughters. I could not tackle the film world alone and deal with the chaos my choice had created. It was all too much. The disappointment shattered my will to function and I was paralyzed.

 When I returned home

 I sat my family down and told them I needed time and space to figure out my life. I did not know how long this journey was going to take but it was a journey I needed to take alone. They had my permission to have as much involvement with my daughters as they would like but continuing a relationship with me was not an option at that time.

 See, I spent the majority of my life needing my parents’ and friends’ advice to function. My relationships and day-to-day life became everyone’s business and I needed their words of wisdom to survive. I tried to avoid disappointment from my parents and loved ones at all costs, including lying about personal choices that I felt would hurt them but in reality, were none of their business. I just wanted to make everyone happy. That’s what ultimately killed my career in Los Angeles, not the industry, but my parents’ opinion of me. I let them affect who I was and how I felt about myself.

 I needed God more than ever.

 At this point, the reality of my past, present and future became clear and very black and white. I finally understood why I kept continuing to fail in life. I cared more about what everyone thought of me than what I thought about myself and, even more important, what God thought of me. I spent my entire life people-pleasing. I’m your classic fixer. If you have a problem, any problem, I will drop everything I’m doing in life and exert all of my energy attempting to fix your problem. I actually fall in love with chaos. Friends, family and boyfriends become addicted to the energy I have for them.

I realized I was running in circles and it was impossible to make everyone happy. My plate was full with promises and commitments that I could not keep. I always let someone down, ultimately living a life of failure.  On the surface, my life looked perfect, I looked like I had it all. Behind the scenes I wanted to disappear and fall asleep forever. I couldn’t keep up. I was too needed. Regardless of my pain, I suppressed that emotion and only displayed happiness through the gift of humor. I enjoy helping people forget their troubles through laughter. In turn, I become addicting and when certain individuals couldn’t reserve my energy for themselves, I was rejected and blamed for their pain and insecurities. I allowed people to become co-dependent on me.

 I needed to focus on the goal at hand. I’m easily distracted by chaos and constantly have to remind myself where I’m at, who I’m with and what the heck am I doing.

 I figure God chose me

God chose me to mother two precious souls. My heartache had the ability to not only destroy my life, but more important the lives I was blessed with. My life is no longer my own. My girls need a mother determined to seek God with all of her heart, mind and soul so I can lead them through this difficult world. How could I leave my daughters a legacy if I lead the lives of other people?

I was under the gun to make a difference. I had to find my own way, my own independent path and my own relationship with God. I was desperate to break free and live my life free from pain. I wanted to show my girls true beauty. My daughters were the only reason I had the strength and will to change who I was and why I questioned my relationship with God. So, although I felt God on my heart, I kept questioning his existence.

 Is God for real?

Faith in God? That had to be what I was missing. I had tried everything else. Was this dude for real?

I started getting angry?

The more questions I had for God the more my life fell apart.

 Crucified

Have you ever felt as if, no matter what you do or say, it’s wrong? Or, you’re the friend in the group that tries to be the good conscious, make the “right” choice and you end up looking like the bad guy? Well, that’s the story of my life. The most basic situations turned into disasters and I always got blamed. Because I like to avoid drama at all costs, I avoided the situation, which in turn, made me look guilty.

Now I wanted answers. Being good wasn’t getting me anywhere and my moral code was turning out to be my biggest weakness.

 My weakness

I’m far from perfect but I do have a strong code of ethics and morals and always have. I can’t play dirty. Revenge never worked for me and when I tried using it, my heart was crushed with guilt. It’s impossible to compete and keep score when you’re playing ball with cheaters. It’s heartbreaking. Every time I thought I’d met someone with a pure heart, I had to realize that we are all sinners and we are all capable of anything. Only awareness keeps me alert.

Good people are capable of doing bad things. We just need to take responsibility for our own actions and seek a personal relationship with God. This has not been an easy task for me.

 Judgment 

It is our job to love and God’s job to judge…period. 

Focus on yourself and your sin alone. God is the only one that can determine the purity of someone’s heart, regardless of your personal opinion.

 Sin

 I sin daily. Give me a few minutes and I’m highly capable of anything. We all are. What separates some of us from the rest, is awareness.  I am fully aware that I am capable of anything and that keeps me alert. I love God and disappointing him breaks my heart.

 Temptation

I think about the temptations I constantly have before me. They are filled with enormous amounts of pleasure and escape. Unfortunately, the temptations all lack integrity and true beauty and my continuous decision to decline their offer completely paralyzes me at times. We enjoy what presently feels good and often ignore future consequences.

 If I choose to ignore my moral code and accomplish something that lacks integrity, the natural high that comes from God never occurs. Regardless of what success looks and feels like in our world, going for success without having integrity makes me overwhelmed with guilt

You can only lie to yourself and others for so long, the truth is the only way to truly live free.

 The prayer that changed my life

 Through darkness comes light. Sometimes unforeseen misfortunes can be a blessing in disguise. 

 My life was officially falling apart so I began praying and insisted that God prove he exists!

 My Prayer

 “God, I want to see life as you see it, I want to feel what you feel, and I want to see what you see. I want to see people as you see people. Do you really exist? If you do, prove it.”

 Well, if you’ve ever heard the saying, ‘be careful what you pray for’, it’s true. Be very careful what you pray for. Due to my choices in life, God started closing hearts, systematically allowing my life to completely fall apart. He knew the prayer and choices I would make prior to me making them. I get that now. God knew I would eventually get angry enough and start demanding answers so he patiently waited.   

I thought my prayer was simple and I was trying to open my heart to God and seek help and answers. The truth is, God allowed painful lessons in my life because he loved and adored me. He’s relentless and will not cease until you hear him. God loves us that much.

Not only was God diligently working, but evil was patiently waiting for me to give up and give in to any type of relief. I started making new friends-friends I felt I had known forever. I surrounded myself with them. Unfortunately, they were a distraction. I was introduced to a world swallowed in addictions. They needed my help and I needed to help them. This was nothing more than a cruel distraction and I was incapable of saving anyone. I needed to save myself.

Again, I wasn’t quite hearing God or walking by faith.

 As if the chaos in my life wasn’t enough, my worst fears began coming true. The next couple years seemed to last a lifetime. I began this journey because I felt as if I had suffered so much pain in life. How was it possible my life was getting worse?

 God needed me to hear him and gave me plenty of opportunities to listen. He answered my request and enlightened me. Remember my prayer?

“God, I want to see life as you see it, I want to feel what you feel, and I want to see what you see. I want to see people as you see people. Do you really exist and if you do, prove it.”

 I never imagined my prayer would unlock the gates to a world full of evil.

 God opened a gate to the depths of hell, which allowed anyone or anything into my world. I was constantly tested and tormented and encountered the unexplainable, evil at it’s best. In a nutshell, my home was swallowed in darkness and anyone lacking faith that entered that house became possessed. My daughters and myself were haunted, literally. I have never been more scared in my entire life. How do you stop something you cannot see? How do you fight something you cannot touch and it’s trying to harm your children? I was completely helpless and no one believed me. When you lose everything, you have nothing and no one believes you. You realize you cannot survive without God. All you have is God, or faith in God.

 I believe in God but I could not see Him. I could not see evil either. Now I know they both exist.

 I had already cut off communication with my family because I was strong enough to tackle life alone. Well, nobody said anything about ghosts and evil sleeping next to you. I should have clarified my prayer. I asked God to allow me to see things as he sees them. Of course He sees evil. Now I see evil too.

I am now extremely specific and careful when I pray to God.

 Actually, why would my family believe me? They thought this was part of my mid life breakdown. They completely lost faith in me. I couldn’t prove it-I couldn’t prove anything.

I started to picture God’s heart mourning every time someone has lack of faith in him. God blessed us with all of these wonderful emotions, he created them, he must feel them.

 Evil comes in many forms and knows exactly who and what to play against you and God allowed all of this to happen to me. The more I lost, the more I had to rely on God. I was in survival mode.

When you’re a mother and something or someone’s trying to harm your children, you’ll do absolutely anything to save them. The fact my children were at risk is exactly what got my undivided attention. This was God’s plan. The more faith I had for God the more difficult my life got. The pain was a bit confusing but I knew this was my path.

 Bible

 I began exploring the Bible. God answered one of my questions by showing me the numerical value in the Bible. It’s mathematically perfect. God proves the Bible’s accuracy with numbers and the job of the disciples is to provide the message. I started getting excited. This was by far the most amazing adventure I had ever been on. But again, the closer I got to knowledge the more I experienced evil. Basically, I was battling evil as well as my family, life, work, friends, love-all of it. For example, my loved ones made an executive decision, on my birthday, to take my daughters away from me. My father actually made the phone call. The saddest part about this decision was that my family lost faith in my heart. Or realizing they never had any from the beginning. I knew without a doubt I needed to stay on course and God needed me to feel this pain. He needed me to feel completely alone and depend only on his strength within me. He allowed hearts to be closed and I needed to allow him to continue his work. Regardless of what everyone thought of me, the prayer chains at church, the lies, the chaos and humiliation that surrounded me, God was the only one that knew my heart and I had to focus. I refused to loose my girls.

 “Ask and you shall receive.” Matthew 7:7

 I began praying and begging for miracles.

 God did not offer financial stability, apology from my family, a job offer or anything of that nature. God offered hope. I would wake up in the morning with scripture lying on the floor by my bed. I would discover something new and amazing in the Bible. There were hundreds of signs He gave me and most days I cried every time I received them.

Evil on the other hand presented worldly offers that would end my financial problems, opportunities to set things straight with family, anything and everything that might divert my attention away from God and his purpose for me. All of these offerings cost me my soul. This sounds dramatic, but with every worldly offer, God would counter offer and give a small miracle or blessing in disguise. God is not as obvious as evil. You have to open your heart and be desperate for the signs. He will answer your prayers. You just may not like the answer and most days we are too busy to listen. Unless of course when He screams at you and your life falls apart, then you listen. That’s a sad concept really, for God. He has to allow painful experiences that break our hearts and His so He can lead us down the path to freedom.

 As a parent you have to let your child fall sometimes so they can understand tiny lessons that cause pain that will then avoid larger lessons that can ultimately lead to death.

I often look at my daughters and say, “See that hurts doesn’t it? I told you, now don’t do it again.” Parenting is painful and by far the hardest job I have ever or ever will do.

 My journey with God

 In the back of my mind I realized I prayed for all of this. I wanted to see and feel people and life as He sees and feels it. I wanted God to prove himself and I prayed for independence and faith. “Ask and you shall receive.” I understand now. I believe without a doubt evil exists and so does God. Which side do you want to be on? Trust me, the clock is ticking.

God probably laughed and thought, “ok, I’m going to answer your prayers and prove I exist, but first, I’m going to allow horrific experiences in your life so you will see and feel truth. That’s what you want, right?”

God loved me enough to set me free. It was painful. Terribly frightening and most days I cried myself to sleep. It was a blessing when I could sleep. But now, my truth, my relationship with God is mine. Satan doesn’t have the ability to take or scare that out of me. No one can.

 God and I began a new journey together. I lost my father but gained a new one, one that loved me unconditionally and refused to give up on me. He knows my heart, he always has.

 All I ever wanted was my friends and family to believe in me and know my heart. The blessing from this particular experience is that I will now strive to always support my daughter’s passions and have faith in their hearts, regardless of their mistakes I will never give up on them. I want to love my children as God loves his children and the first step is giving them to God.

 Fearing God

 God will allow amazingly painful lessons in your life until you hear him. He’s trying to save us from eternal pain.

 Love

 The greatest gift from God is love, simple and true. If your actions and decisions do not revolve around love, make another choice.